If you follow me on IG then you know around the holiday season, I started rewatching a lot of older shows from my teens/twenties — The Wire, Gossip Girl, Agents of Shield, etc. — but in between, I'd been filling the time with newer, original streaming content. My most recent indulgence is actually a reality tv show — something I haven't watched in YEARS — and if you can't tell by the title, it's what prompted me writing this post.

Netflix Original: Marriage or Mortgage

Netflix has been dabbling in a few home industry adjacent reality shows — most of em, I haven't watched — but this one caught my eye after I saw my IG friend Racheal (@banyanbridges) talked about it in her IG stories. The title alone caught my name (and made me role my eyes tbh) so I had to investigate it for myself.

So the loose premise of the show is that engaged couples have some money saved up to either have a big wedding or put towards a down payment for a new home.

I know enough now to know that the name was clearly just for the alliteration, but just to be very clear —

1. a wedding is a one time celebration, a marriage is a lifetime commitment

2. a down payment is an upfront home buying cost, a mortgage is a recurring payment

But "Wedding or Down Payment" doesn't just roll off the tongue. Although “Dream Wedding or Dream House might’ve worked, but I digress.

With each episode, they meet up with the show's "experts" to help see their options & make a decision — the realtor shows them 3 homes based on their must have & loan pre-approval, while the wedding planner takes them thru an immersive experience of different parts of their dream wedding wishlist.

A few things I want to note that are specific to the show, with its controlled parameters —

1. The show is based in Nashville, TN. I can't tell you the first, second, or third thing about the real estate market in Nashville, but I do know that location is always a huge factor. This show would look likely completely different — or may not even work — in a different locale.

2. The couples have come in with a mortgage pre-approval... at least per the show's notes. My guess is that with that, there was a minimum to even be considered for the show, especially since everyone I've seen so far has had pre-approval amount between $300K and 400K.

3. Both the realtor & planner are able to throw in incentives — I'm assuming sponsored — to sway each couple to choose their way (i.e. discounted venue, appliance credit, etc). This is not necessarily a common practice in either industry, and may literally be just for the show.

I Choose "Mortgage" Because...

As I’ve been watching Marriage or Mortgage, I've been thinking, "why would someone, if they have enough to do one or do other, ever choose having a huge wedding over buying a home?!" I decided to unpack that for myself...

When my husband & I got married, it was hardly a wedding — we went down to the city clerk to pick up our marriage license and two days later, went back to have the "ceremony" performed. We had 3 witnesses present, and no after shindig.

Something old: my shoes.

Something new: my H&M dress.

Something borrowed: his tie.

Something blue: what I told our witnesses to wear.

The next day we went back to life our life as usual... except now we were, legally, husband & wife. I share this story to say, I have never been the girl daydreaming about my big fairytale weeding & my husband has never been big on fanfare celebrations. The way we got married — we basically eloped — was very us, and is why I lean towards #teammortgage. Although, to be fair, we were married 5-1/2 years before ever buying a home sooooo...

But this ain't about me. I'm not on the show.

What would make these newly engaged couples struggle with which to prioritize — big wedding or new home?

One conclusion I came to was that this may be their first time living together so there’s a fear of already starting a new life together, while now also taking on the commitment of a home. Living with someone for the first time is a whole kind of rollercoaster — married or not — because you're learning your partner on a whole other level. And even if they did previously live together, the pressure of a home may seem like a higher level of stress than just being newlyweds.

There’s no homeowner’s honeymoon phase. 

Another conclusion I came to was, looking at my own situation, is the fear/paralysis that comes with thinking of everything that goes into home making...like the literal costs. Often people will have save enough for the upfront costs — down payment, closing, etc — plus some cushion... but then that’s it. For a lot of people, that’s how they find themselves in a new home with hand me down furniture... or their college furniture... or no furniture. They make enough to afford the home itself — maintenance, mortgage, etc. — but there's no cushion for all the pretty parts... and that can really scare some people.

For example, I tallied up all the rooms we've furnished here at #thehyggeranch so far — not even counting a lot of less exciting costs like insulation, trim work, plumbing, etc — and it is close to, if not more than, what a down payment for this house would’ve been. Translation: if not for the privilege of (1) being a military family, so no down payment and (2) working with brands & doing this for a living, to be as comfortable as we are now within the first six months, we would’ve needed to save 2x a down payment. Surprisingly, only ONE couple expressed a fear of buying a house but not being able to furnish it once moved it. Granted, there is no race to to finish line when it comes to furnishing, renovating, designing, etc. a home, but the predicted project pressure is enough to keep someone from wanting to take the plunge.

No wants to be house rich and money poor. 

In the show, the realtor tends to lead with how important an investment a new home could be — the stuff lifetimes & legacies are made off — while the wedding planner tends to default to the "celebration of love" setup. Contrary to how this post may read, I am a total romantic so watching these couples emotionally experience what their wedding day could be like has def brought a tear or two to my eye; but with many of the showings, the realtor would stage a home to reflect what's important to each couple... sometimes a total tearjerker, sometimes just way too much.

One MAJOR thing that caught my eye about the episodes I've watched so far — at the time of writing this post, I am still working my way through all of the episodes — is that only one of the couples [so far] that have chosen house decided to also still get married. They chose to elope, which was really dope in my opinion, but I found it interesting that all the other new home owner updates were that they've moved in & are now saving up again for a wedding. In most states you still have to go pick up your license before you officially "get married" no matter the type of ceremony you're having. Why not get the license & just have a small ceremony... to at least be married.

Editor’s Note: my internet sleuthing after writing this original post did uncover that two other couples who chose house also ended up having a small ceremony, but that update wasn’t on the show.

Totally save up for the fanfare, sure, if that's your thing but I still can't wrap my head around people remaining un-married after this whole experience.

Go Big... or Bust?

Then again I also can’t wrap my head around people being documented to choose between celebrating their love & having a home together…but I digress.

I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the subtle messaging that you have to choose. With both of these being major milestones, it is dishearterning that these couples can't attain both... that they're feeling this huge economic strain so "early" on in their lives together.

P.S. I put "early" in quotes because many have been together for years, they're just all unmarried.

What does it say about the way we — in the States — view marriage and homeownership if it becomes an either or type of deal? And in addition to that, what does it say about the way we view marriage if getting married is almost automatically

On the other side of this, every one who chose wedding had very specific reasons for also wanting a house — relocating, needing more space, etc. — so I would love to know how much longer they continue to live in that situation while they save up again. One couple, because the home they wanted was so popular, made an offer right on the show…basically choosing house; but after thinking they’d lost out on their dream home, they chose wedding… only to find out at the end of their episode that their offer was accepted!

Editor’s Note: my internet sleuthing also uncovered that the aforementioned couple may no longer be together.

What was heartbreaking for me with some of these couples was also that a few had to downsize their wedding day because of the COVID pandemic — with one couple postponing their wedding entirely. The update obviously doesn't disclose if the lost/recouped/salvaged any money from having to make changes, but I can't even imagine what that emotional rollercoaster must've felt like.

Do they regret it?

Would they have chosen differently?

Did they resume house hunting?

If this show was filmed post pandemic, would they make the same choices?

Basically, if there was ever a reality show that I needed a reunion for, it's this one!

Final Thoughts

For the life I want, and just how I've always viewed marriage, I’d choose "mortgage" over "marriage" all 7 days of the week — again, we drove down to the city clerk, got married, and drove back home to enjoy some take out and tv.

I do appreciate how diverse the show was, in terms of the types of couples featured — professional background, race, sexual orientation, age, religion... like it was really impressive! This robust casting def made for different perspectives as people's made their choices, but I still half expected to see more people choose a new home over a wedding ceremony. Considering how the past year changed so many people's views on both home making and marriage, I will forever wonder if they still stand by their choices now, but I do find myself starting to understand the inclination to choose the other way.

Understanding... not agreeing, lol.

My bottom line is a wedding is one day out of what should be a lifetime of celebrations & new beginnings. If I am hoping to start the foundation for a life together, I see a whole lot more value in a home — if that's already on the table — than a huge wedding. But again... that's me.

What say you?

I've talked about the show a little bit in my IG stories since I started watching it, and quite a few of you have expressed that you share my POV, but I'd love to know what all of y'all think. If it came down to choosing between your dream wedding day and buying your dream home, would you be able to choose? How would you choose?