It's back to school "season" and I haven't felt this unprepared for something in a very long time... like it's giving me tax season anxiety kinda unpreparedness... and I am only slightly joking about that. For context, my daughter was home with me full time for about 3 years til we enrolled her in pre-school, which we did part time for about 2 years... then, between the pandemic & moving, she was back home with me full time and I "homeschooled" for a year. I use homeschool in quotes because I wasn't on an official curriculum since that's not required in the state of WA for her age at the time. Last year was her first full year in "real" school - like full time, 5 days a week - since she'd been born. It was a hard transition for me because I worried about everything - from how she'd adjust socially to whether she'd get COVID. Despite all of my reservations, it was also a welcome shift because it meant that, for the most part, my days would be my own again for what felt like the first time in forever.

Then summer break came.

Y'all... I grossly underestimated how hard having her home full time again would be, even if only for 2 and a half months. To start, I had very little no recovery time after The Meridian Experience Weekend. As an introvert, after spending 6 consecutive days of heavy people'ing, I needed recovery time. Unfortunately, life didn't allow for it. The event ended, and Monday it was right back into our regular routine. That window of time between the end of the event & the last day of school was time I had to spend doing a lot of post event wrangling during the day while she would be at school. In a perfect world, that would've been my "recovery" time. Once school ended, however, all bets were off! I went from having some autonomy over my days to none. My already curious & active & energetic daughter, who had just spent an entire year socializing with kids her age & being stimulated on a daily basis with various school activities, was now home with me needing that same level of stimulation.

To be fair, my kid is pretty good at entertaining herself - she's an only child whose never had cousins or other kids around to play with. She loves her Legos and MagBlocks and Rainbow High Dolls, and has an insane imagination; however, this is also the same kid who has spent the majority of her life around me... just me. For her, summer break was a chance to go back into our routine of me giving her my undivided attention, while also expecting me to match her energy. Spoiler Alert: I failed. I don't say that disparagingly. It just is what it is. I was not ready.

What does any of this have to do with getting ready for back to school?

If I know nothing else, I know I am ready to have my days back. I am ready for routines.

I am ready for silence.

I am not a high energy person, and any kind of people'ing is quite literally the most exhausting thing anyone could ever ask me to do. I require recovery. Because of the nature of my husband's job, I have very little respite time - at least not enough for me to ever fully recharge - so back to school for me means finally being able to plug my into an outlet, and not just recharging with a battery pack. If you've ever charged your phone with a power bank versus directly into a wall outlet, you've probably noticed a difference in how long it takes to recharge and how long the charge lasts. That's me right now. As a result, it's meant wanting absolutely nothing to do with anyone unless I have to and mediocre performance on many of my obligations. Many a therapy sessions have gone into this, so again, none of this is to be all "woe is I". It's important, however to understand that while I am more than ready to have the school year resume for my own sanity, being completely out of sorts now has me realizing that I am kind of behind the ball with actually getting her ready -

Are her immunizations up to date?

Does she have all the supplies she needs?

What supplies does she need?

Do her clothes still fit?

What do I need to replace?

What's the new teacher's name?

Do I need to download the school app?

What's the name of that app again?

A litany of questions that I would normally have answers to are now hitting me like tennis balls darting outta of a practice cannon. With a very small window of time to make sure all three of us are ready for the new school year, I've decided (like I do with most things) to tackle it in manageable, bite sized tasks; and everything else is just gonna have to take a back seat till the second or third week of school when (I hope) I'll have my footing again.

Back to school season has been a lot more than just shopping. The shopping, however, is just a measurement of control - meaning, it's a way that I can control the controllable.

Back to school is always centered around the children - understandably - however this is the first time that I am truly understanding how the transition impacts us as parents just as much as it does our mini. This transition from summer to school has been a reminder of how much we never learned as parents - how to parent - and so we've also found ourselves turning these milestones in her life as a salve for our inner child, unlearning certain norms, and establishing our own ways around parenting. We want her to be prepared for the world out there in a way that also prepares us for our anxieties around her being out in said world. We want her to feel supported, celebrated, safe, and secure in every room she enters -"Mom & dad have my back", "I want for nothing", and "I can handle anything." This means everything from buying her new clothes, having daily morning affirmations, keeping her library full & diverse, and, above all else, not tethering her value at home to her performance at school.

This'll, technically, be our mini's 4th "back to school" season, with new clothes and pics and all that jazz. As she's gotten older, it's become more important to her and her excitement can be overwhelming... and also contagious. To see her be excited to meet new friends, learn new subjects, and just get out there... so not my kid lol and in all the best ways. We nurture her excitement, instead of trying to temper it, by doing try on hauls for her entire closet, letting her window shop online for clothes & supplies, and talking all about what she's looking forward to (or not) in the coming school year. Admittedly, this doesn't come natural to either one of us - both my husband and I went to private/boarding schools so we wore uniforms, supplies weren't nearly has robust as they are now, and the only discussions that were had were the expectation of good grades. Our parents did their best - what they could - and now it's our turn to do our best.

Her excitement to start a new chapter is only outmatched by my excitement to return to familiarity.

Now that we're re-entering a season of routines, it means a lot of changes, however, they're familiar changes. It means the mini knows exactly what she can expect Sunday through Friday. It means my husband and I can be intentional about making time for just us - from lunchtime day dates to "state of our union" meetings. It means I can resume having schedules for my life - from batching content to overdue doctor's appointments - around drop off & pick up times. It means I'll have alone time to clean, nap, workout, write, take a walk, play loud music... whatever my introverted heart desires without interruption or interference from other people and their energies. It means time for me to finally plug in and fully charge.

With very little time remaining before the official first day of school, just like with tax season, I feel unprepared yet very ready for the end result. Both can be true. Because here's the thing... in spire of feeling this way, I know that as parents we've already done a wangdangdoodle job with our kid... not to mention having already taken care of the main task of ensuring she's actually registered for the school year. LOL. Everything else beyond that... gravy.