Whenever I think about 2020 and how it's been going, my mind immediately goes to this quote...truly the best of times and the worst of times... and most definitely a time of wisdom and of foolishness.I actually remember thinking some weeks back that, minus whatever the election would yield, we'd seen the worst of 2020.

I was so wrong... so so very wrong!

Chadwick Boseman passed away.

Wildfires began to consume much of the west coast.

Protests continued to get more frequent, as injustices also got more frequent.

And, as a family, we ended up having to quarantine after being exposed to COVID-19. Yeah... not a good time.

Yet and still, like I'd done all year, I continued to "push through" by counting my blessings along the way. Like I said... 2020 has legitimately been the worst of times and the best of times.

But being "strong" is exhausting AF!

After nearly a year of basically being on an emotional rollercoaster — gratitude, overwhelm, excitement, fear, hope... and everything in between — I dunno anyone that wouldn't be exhausted! Earlier in the year I let myself feel the feels but I didn't "sit" in them because with my husband away, I needed to keep it together for baby girl. But I'm human and the final months of the year have just felt like 2020 finally caught up with me.

Some back story...

I've always struggled with depressive thoughts — never diagnosed depression — till I was diagnosed with post part anxiety and mild depression a few years ago. Through therapy, prayer, and exercise (mental & physical), I've been able to reasonably manage my anxiety. There are always good days and bad days but 2020 has amplified all of those feelings, and it's been like a pendulum swinging from high to low.... good to bad... hope to fear.

A few months ago when I wrote about how my anxiety prepared me for dealing with the pandemic, I had no idea how 2020 was going to continue to test my resolve and strength.

2020 gave me a lot — like a lot — from the #sharethemic home edition on initiative instagram to being an inaugural member of House Beautiful's advisory council to getting published in print for the first time to buying our first home!

But 2020 also took a lot — mentally and emotionally! — and I am slowly started to struggle with how to reconcile the spectrum of emotions that have started to consume me and my anxiety started to surface in ways that were no longer feeling manageable — I'm functioning but man is it struggle!

So now here I am... 

...in the middle of the most chaotic election I can recall in this country's modern history

...a pandemic that has no plans on slowing down, much less leaving

...on the precipice of a civil rights induced civil war

...a first time homeowner

It's been hard to focus on home making when at every turn, the news just makes me want to to hide under my covers till this nightmare is over. How am I supposed to think about furniture layouts and pillow inserts and paint swatches when every single day I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop... wondering, "is today the day the next terrible thing happens?"

But my mother also raised me that even though it's okay to fall down, your never ever stay down. 

So instead of completely drowning in my feelings — like I want to — I've decided to accept this blessing as an opportunity to restore my mental well-being.

So how do I plan to "home" as a way to deal with my anxiety?

Organizing... aka controlling the controllable

Organizing and creating systems is one of my most calming escapes because it is literally about controlling what I can control...especial when so much around me is completely out of my control. Organizing doesn't just distract me; it actually engages my mind to come up with literal solutions to my storage problems. While I won't be tackling all of my organizing projects in one sitting, I definitely have enough to keep me occupied in the new house.

Shopping... aka retail therapy

This isn't always to most fiscally responsible solution but it sure does feel good! Being a new homeowner, however, I am glad that I haven't had to but toooooooooo many things — def have had to buy some, don't get me wrong tho! — because so much of what we had came over with us and what didn't, I've been able to replace alongside amazing new brand partners (stay tuned!). Regardless, shopping soothes me, as I get lost in browsing my fav sites to elevate my decorating capsule.

Planning... aka flexing my creative brain

Some people release their nervous/anxious energy through working out. Ideating and creating and planning is that for me. Do I get distracted by my own thoughts sometimes? Yes. Have I had creative blocks? Absolutely! But getting lost in creating when I'm not blocked is like a mental workout...but in a good way. I get to focus on a project/task/design for a period of time, not allowing myself to get distracted by any of the things that I literally can't control anyway.

I have struggled with truly enjoying celebrating this major milestone and have procrastinated getting anything done — fatigue, overwhelm, indecisiveness... all at the root of my procrastination. But I've finally given myself enough pep talks to know that this is divine timing... God's timing.

He allowed this into my life when He did and how He did so that I could enjoy it. This is exactly what my anxious mind needed... to get back to home.

In real time, this week has me feeling all the feels after getting the election results. My home is my escape from it. Why not put all this nervous anxiety into making it as amazing as possible!?

It won't happen overnight — I recently wrote all about avoiding project pressure over on the Emily Henderson Design blog — and that's actually the best part... I get to take my time and prolong this welcome distraction for as long as my heart desires. I get to bask in my home versus worrying about the next dark things around the corners of 2020.

Where have you been channeling your nervous energy... if you have any? Have you been able to focus on home projects or you have you found yourself detached from everything and struggling to focus? I'd love to know! In the meantime, you're welcome to follow what I can bring myself to share in the new house over on IG.