How My Anxiety May Have Prepared Me For COVID-19
“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.”
I remember hearing that quote at a very young age — 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you' — and thinking how spot on it is, and it’s something I have carried with me into adulthood.
My parents, specifically my mom, is someone who I would say was pretty paranoid — very “safe” putting it mildly — while my dad was a bit more on the adventurous side, trusting that with proper planning, life can an amazing journey of exploration. So it’s no wonder that I am half worrier (mom) and half idea machine (dad).
By the time I become a parent of my own, my typically cautious self started to morph in full-blown anxiety, manifesting in postpartum anxiety, and a mild depression diagnosis in 2017. For me, this meant I lived (live) in a constant state of “worst-case scenario” and panic over the unknown & unpredictable. Being optimistic — or even just “positive” — is a muscle that I have to actively exercise because left to my own devices, things would get pretty dark.
Now, nearly three years later, I have a much healthier mindset and view of the world, but it came with a lot of inner work — through prayer and therapy. As my therapist would say, skills not pills, got me to a place where I could better take in the chaos of the world around me.
Which brings me to the actual (and current) chaos around me…
COVID-19.
“For someone with anxiety, dramatic situations are, in a way, more comfortable than the mundane. In dramatic situations, the world rises to meet your anxiety.”
I have been uncharacteristically calm since COVID-19 has taken over our lives.
I remember when it was first hitting the news waves in January — I was in NYC at the time and, two days before my daughter & I were slated to fly back to Washington, the first case on US soil was reported...in Washington.
I spent the next 48 hours praying and paying attention to the updates, but I also decided right then and there, that I would not let this cause me any additional stress or anxiety.
Two days later, we got on what was probably the emptiest flight I, personally, have ever been on. And now, two months later, we are in the middle of a stay-at-home order due to an actual pandemic...and I am still praying and still refusing to let this drag my progress down.
Uncharacteristically calm.
It’s not easy for me to admit that my character isn’t naturally a “calm” one and I don’t know anyone that would use the word calm to describe me either. I have always danced on the edge of worry and even occasionally tangoed with straight-up paranoia, and yet in the midst of a pandemic, I find myself probably the calmest person in my circle. Why is that?
It hit me early on in this pandemic that there’s so much beyond my control — so much that I already naturally & regularly obsess over — so seeing everyone else thrown into the same (or similar) state of panic/worry/anxiety has served me as a sort of reassurance that this may be the type of “worst-case scenario” my psyche was preparing for all along. This, in turn, forced me to consider the “best-case scenario” by way of reframing my thinking & counting my blessings…
“We have to stay home indefinitely” became
“I am so glad I created a home I don’t want to leave”
“How long will I have to work from home” became
“Thank God he brought me a new job that I can work remotely”
“I don’t know how this pandemic will affect baby girl” became
“I am grateful for her unwavering optimism and joy”
“I wish my husband was home with us” became
“He is safer on a locked-down base than he would be on the Washington state frontlines”
“How are we supposed to buy groceries” became
“It’s a good thing Amazon Fresh delivers to my address”
“What if we get sick” became
“Our proactive and preventative health measures are paying off”
“How do I keep our baby girl safe” became
“Be able to send her to childcare is a gift I will not take for granted”
“I hope my friends are okay” became
“I am happy to see my friends healthy & employed”
“I hate feeling helpless” became
“My feelings are valid”
“Am I strong enough to get through this” became
“My strength comes from God”
Skills not pills.
My life hasn’t drastically changed in the way that it has for many — my schedule hasn’t freed up, minus the time I spent commuting, and babygirl is still being taught by qualified professionals. The greatest disruption to my life, frankly, has been that everyone else is now encroaching on online lifestyle habits (not to mention the extended shipping & delivery times for online shopping… aka first-world problems). My day-to-day on the surface is the same and yet, because the world around me is in shambles and God has sent us all to our rooms on time out, I feel far less lost than I have in a really, really long time.
I haven’t slowed down in the way that I have liked, so this hasn’t been an actual respite or time to reset, but like many of you, it has been a time of introspection.
I’ve had to time to think about the timing of my husband’s absence, the timing of my new job...all as it relates to this pandemic. I’ve had time to appreciate the aforementioned, just as I have had time to appreciate having childcare, still being able to buy groceries, and access to cleaning supplies — none of which I take for granted. I’ve had this time to watch some of my personal and professional friends pivot and flourish, while also stepping into some of my own successful pivots.
When a parent grounds their child, they usually preface it with something like, “go to your room and think about what you’ve done.” We’ve all been sent to our “rooms” and I’ve definitely been thinking! And I’m honestly grateful beyond words that things hadn’t changed much for us but I think that is only half of the reason I’m not my usual anxious self.
I did the work — the internal work — that was triggered by my previous years of anxiety to get to a place where chaos no longer sent my into a dark, downward spiral.
I have no desire to get out of my home and/or be around people. Not because I’m naturally an introvert and a homebody but because I created a home that I really enjoy and developed a love of self that I previously didn’t have. Translation: I love my own company!
So while I’m watching the world panic over whether or not they’ll ever brunch again or worry over where their next check will come from, I am fully cognizant of my blessings but also very at peace of the life that I am currently living.. in the midst of a pandemic. Whoulda thunk it?!
I think all of this has less to do with COVID-19 and a lot more to do with my own personal progress, but after spending years worrying and “paranoid” I do feel a sense of relief that I am not in a state of panic. I don’t know what the future [of my anxiety] holds and I can’t even imagine what the end of this pandemic will look like but I am relieved that I can be this sort of anchoring force for myself, my family, and my friends… but above all, my daughter because at this young age, the last thing I wanted was for her to internalize the chaos around her.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine living through a pandemic however if not for my usual paranoia, worry, and anxiety, I don’t know that I’d be in the state of mind that I’m currently in.
